Two black dogs (pt. 2)

Trigger warning: This blog post includes reference to Mental Illness, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation. If you are struggling with mental health there are a list of numbers and resources at the bottom of this article. It's ok to not be ok. Support is available, and you are worth it.

In episode 1 of this however many episode long saga, I talked about a dog named Freya, and an illness called depression. In episode 2, Freya gets more expensive, and depression continues to suck.

Freya seemed resistant to all the methods I tried for dealing with her anxiety... silly pooch. I saw a vet, I saw another vet, I saw an animal behavioural specialist, and I saw a lot of dog anxiety. We persevered though, the team wasn't going to go down without a fight and we had a few rounds left in chambers, some arrows in our quiver, and a hand grenade with a faulty pin... or something like that. Time was the answer, unfortunately for several sections of carpet, parts of my sanity, and Freya's head. I kept trying all of the things suggested to me and eventually the problems began to ease for my big goofy girl.

With Freya's psychological woes finally seeming to ebb away in to the past, she started limping. Freya is 1/4 St Bernard and 3/4 Newfoundland, she's a big queen. Elbow and hip issues are problems for many of these dogs and despite her parents being screened, as well as her, dysplasia entered the game. At first it wasn't clear what it was, the vet's mind went straight to dysplasia but the clinical indications weren't quite right. She was looking stiff, but not the right sort. We got imagery and my regular vet (who is amazing by the by, Freya loves seeing her, and I have always felt she goes above and beyond) wasn't 100% sure if we were seeing early signs of dysplasia or something else.

Freya and I went to see a specialist, indeed we were seeing dysplasia which had presented a little strangely and hadn't been picked up cleanly in initial x-rays. Freya needed both of her front legs operated on, and for the price of only a small family yacht, I had a wounded girl in an Elizabethan collar, ready for rehab. Recovery went well, and the only long term factor for consideration has been keeping her lean and light. She'd happily eat a truckload of anything most days, so I need to restrict her to half a truckload at most for her own good. I worry that her issues will come back as she gets older, and thinking about her getting arthritis and going lame upset me, but Freya and I focus on the good times.

The second black dog, whom we met in our first episode, hasn't behaved so well historically.

I finished high school with poor scores in my final year, I'd barely managed to get across the line in fact. I was through though. The threat of needing to leave, or repeat, or whatever else were spectres in my rear view mirror, ahead, all I had was sunshine and clinical depression.

I was set to audition for the Sydney Conservatorium of Music at the end of year 12, I was hoping to (and had a reasonable chance to) study under Steve Rosse, who is one of the elite music pedagogues in the business. That was never going to happen. I was shattered by the time I crossed the line and graduated. I applied for a university course with the lowest admission of any I could stomach applying for, and I got in, I just wanted to have a place I could defer for a year without needing to worry about it.

In Australia, taking a gap year isn't uncommon, so it wasn't strange that I didn't go into university straight away. The next year when I still hadn't made the start was fine, I was working, I was living life and mostly coping. By about the 1/4 mark of 2012 though, unsure of what I wanted out of life and not knowing where I would go, I turned my sights to "The Medicine Game". I would use lacrosse as a means to get into a college and study something I actually felt passionate about. I had a little bit of skill, and a can do attitude (on the good days).

In 2012 I packed my bags, after signing up to a couple of recruiting camps and I set off to what was at the time still some version of the land of the free and the home of the brave. I got a little bit of interest through camps but nowhere that could offer scholarships enough to make the college world feasible, that was until I heard back from Mount Olive College. They had an international program through which if a foreign type like myself could qualify academically and/or athletically, they qualified for enough support to make it work. I signed on to become a Trojan, and in 2013, as a rain drenched, and exhausted 21 year old who had been travelling for 35 hours, I entered the campus and started a new life.

Between the time I got recruited, and the time I arrived, I had gone through another severe bout of depression and had blown up from an athletic 260lb to a cumbersome 300lb (the US don't recognise the proper measurements, so I've used freedom units here). I had shot myself in the foot pre-emptively and had a lot of work to do to give myself half a chance at success.

Now when most people head off to college, go overseas, or interstate, or just move out of town, their mums (should they be lucky enough to have one to wish them off, something I am aware of) worry about them not knowing how to do laundry, forgetting to stay in touch, or running out of money. My mum had a genuine concern I would take my own life 16,000km from home. We talked about it though, and decided that if lacrosse was the best thing in my life at the time and a way to restart in a new place with as clean of a slate as I could hope for, it could be worth it.

Being away from home was hard, but I loved college, I loved my team mates, I met incredible people who have become lifelong friends and mentors. By my second semester, I was thinking of ending my life. Something that has happened to me twice in my life occurred, the antidepressants I was taking just stopped working. One week I was "managing" and then it was like the road fell away beneath me and a sinkhole was waiting ahead. Classwork immediately became too much for me, lacrosse was too much for me, it was all too much for me.

Through the college, I had access to sessions with a psychologist who was great.

An aside here: going to see a counsellor or psychologist can be daunting, and it can take multiple tries to find someone with whom you feel comfortable and who practices in a way that works for you. Please though, keep trying, get support, if at first the support doesn't succeed, it's not because you aren't worth it, it's because you are an individual.

Halfway through my freshman season on the lacrosse team, in consultation with my mum and doctor back home, and the psychologist I was seeing through the college, I decided to walk away from the lacrosse team, for my own wellbeing. It sucked. Years later I still don't have better words to explain it, it just sucked. I stayed at the college, I was doing just well enough to maintain my scholarship for academics so it was still feasible. I was there to get a degree and I needed this to be worth it, I needed something to be the first success in a chain.

In 2017 I graduated, I went on to get my masters of teaching, by the time I was done with college, I had played in the orchestra, served as an ambassador, worked as an RA, and competed in the North Carolina Ethics Bowl... most importantly for my own journey though, I had a senior day as a lacrosse player. I made it back onto the team and went out how I hoped to. The success though is for the next chapter of this tale not many may ever read.

The following are a list of Australian support resources. If you are ever in a crisis, reach out. It's worth it, you are worth it.

Service	Focus	Phone number	Operating hours
Emergency	Emergency assistance	000	24 hours/7 days
NURSE-ON-CALL	Expert health advice from a nurse	1300 60 60 24	24 hours/7 days
VAHI mental health services directory	For people seeking a specialist mental health response that will identify the urgency and nature of response required	Phone numbers are available in each area	24 hours/7 days
Beyond Blue	Depression, anxiety and related disorders	1300 22 4636	24 hours/7 days
Lifeline	Crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services	13 11 14	24 hours/7 days
SANE	People affected by complex mental health issues	1800 187 263	Mon – Fri 10am – 8pm
ARAFMI Carer Helpline	Carers and families of people affected by mental illness	1300 554 660	24 hours/7 days