Talking about depression... why I decided to do it and a realisation I had while crying on the couch one night.

Article from my time at college about my struggles with depression, and the related talk which started me speaking up.

This article includes discussion of depression and suicide. Please be aware before reading further. A list of mental health services in Australia is included at the end of the article.

I have talked here about the fact that in 2014 I walked away from college lacrosse despite it being a lifelong dream. I have talked about returning to the game in 2016 for my senior year. It was the return to lacrosse at college which led me to the choice that I will always talk about mental health (particularly my own).

During my time out of lacrosse I took up commentary work at college. I got to cover lacrosse, basketball, soccer, and the occasional baseball and volleyball game. While working with the media crew, the director of sport communication heard me chatting about my depression and approached me about doing an article for the college which was also shared by the NCAA, and a talk at school. Mine was the first of its type at my college, while the article on the NCAA site was nothing groundbreaking, but not necessarily a common thing. Link to the article.

It was the follow up of my talk and my article which sparked my decision to keep talking (some would say I never shut up). I had half a dozen people approach me in the first week after my talk. I had a friend come to me and speak about their struggles with disordered eating and say they wanted to "do the mental health talk" the next year. It kept coming. I kept talking openly about mental health and people kept talking to me about mental health. To my thinking, I was doing what in the RPG world is known as "tanking", taking the damage from the enemies so that others could do their stuff while I was taking said damage. I realised that for some people, having someone be visibly mentally ill, meant they could potentially address their own concerns, and sometimes for the first time.

A few things... I don't think I am some kind of hero because of any of this. At best, I like to think I am someone for whom speaking about mental health isn't detrimental to said mental health. If by speaking, I can show others it's not weak to speak, I can make it safe for them to speak, or I can let them know they are not alone, I've won.

If you are one of my students, or someone who knows me through work or whatever avenue it may be, hello, and the following may surprise you. If you are someone I know better, well, you know me better and I may well have told you. If I didn't tell you, it's not personal, I have a system...

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I was going through a severe episode of depression and experiencing frequent suicidal ideation. The thought I had, and what prompted me to bust out the keyboard after months without a journal post, is that I don't think people could have known and by extension, that people shouldn't blame themself for not knowing. The things you hear in the wake of the loss of someone to suicide is "I wish I'd known," "I'd never have known," or "There were no signs."While laying on my couch after a tiring day at work and hating my very existence the thought struck me. For all intents and purposes, I'd been smashing it at work. I am by no means some kind of gift to teaching, but I do my best, during the time I was having suicidal ideation, the kids in my classes were doing well, I'd just come back from a year 7 camp where all the kids in my group had a blast and I spent hours each day working with a student with additional needs who thrived, and I was making my colleagues laugh. I don't think anyone I didn't tell, could possibly have known I was leaving work, coming home and weeping on the couch.

On this one night of crying and pondering (the act of stealing ponds) the words "I'd never have known" ran through my mind, if, on that night, I'd followed through on my plan, no one would have seen it coming. This was early in my depressive episode, and I had not yet told anyone - as an aside, I have an amazing support crew and lack for no love, care, or assistance... or medication. The next day, I started letting people know and began actively working through things.

After my realisation, it made me want to write this journal piece because I had the realisation that there are thousands of people (hundreds of thousands more likely) who have been left thinking "could I have known?" and I want to give you permission to forgive whatever blame you may have assigned yourself - not that you need it of course - if you never knew someone was hurting. People (not me) often don't want you to see their pain, their perceived weakness, or whatever else it may be, and if they are anything like me they might have gotten bloody good at hiding how they are really feeling. It may well be the case, that there's nothing you could have done, and that you couldn't have known.

Please check in on your friends, look for changes to their mood, keep reaching out, whatever you can do. It may not fix it all, but there's a chance it might. You could be the difference.

Now for the event that brought me to this depression and the thoughts of suicide. A few months ago, I released a novel (please read it if you haven't, and tell any Hollywood producers you know that it's great) and as part of that release I recorded an audiobook "But Tim!" I hear you decry, "There is no audiobook of Mettle and Ice", too right. There's fully recorded audio of it though. I finished recording, said, "the end" and began editing.

Then I stopped editing, and started to dwell on it... and I dwelt on it... and you'll never guess what came next, I dwelt some more, I was like the very dwelly caterpillar. I began to spiral, and I began to put other things off. Fun fact: I slept on my couch for two months because the pile of laundry on my bed made me spiral more. I realise the previous statement was not a fun fact, so here is a better one, gorillas are the only great ape who don't recognise themself in mirrors.

I have never talked about an episode so soon, publicly, previously, but I felt the urge to write this and I hope that if you read this and are in need of some kind, that this may help you in whatever way any of this could help.

If you have read this, and you know me, please, please please please, reach out to me if you ever need to. If that's not your cup of tea, use one of the numbers I have included at the bottom of this article (unfortunately, they are only for Aus. Please seek the services in your country). But, in the last six months, I've had half a dozen people come to me - apparently I helped one of them leave an abusive relationship I didn't even know they were in - and if you need to join the club, please do. It's not a glamourous club, but membership is worth it.

And as long as me talking about mental health can help others, perhaps I never will shut up about. You are loved, you matter, the world is better with you in it, and no matter how hard life is, it is not a reflection of your worth.

Service	Focus	Phone number	Operating hours
Emergency	Emergency assistance	000	24 hours/7 days
NURSE-ON-CALL	Expert health advice from a nurse	1300 60 60 24	24 hours/7 days
VAHI mental health services directory	For people seeking a specialist mental health response that will identify the urgency and nature of response required	Phone numbers are available in each area	24 hours/7 days
Beyond Blue	Depression, anxiety and related disorders	1300 22 4636	24 hours/7 days
Lifeline	Crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services	13 11 14	24 hours/7 days
SANE	People affected by complex mental health issues	1800 187 263	Mon – Fri 10am – 8pm
ARAFMI Carer Helpline	Carers and families of people affected by mental illness	1300 554 660	24 hours/7 days