Two black dogs (pt. 1)

Freya arrived at my house, her home, on the 17th of June in 2022. She was the runt of her litter (now 50kg/110lbs) and had needed surgery on her eyes to correct a condition called entropion. She was the sweetest little thing... for about a week. Freya, you see, had horrendous separation anxiety. Crate training failed, trainer visits and work with specialist vets did little to ease her suffering. I was heartbroken. But we persisted, I wasn't raising a quitter. Months of her running into doors when she wasn't eating them, voiding her bowels like some kind of turd monster, and crying, eventually saw progress.

I love my Freya girl, she's a jar of sunshine who just wants to open her lid (and drool on your crotch), I wouldn't exchange her for anything.

But wait, that's only one black dog I hear you saying.

I've had my other black dog for many years, last year it passed the point where it had been half a lifetime since first diagnosis of this black dog.

I like so many other people out there, suffer from major depressive disorder. Where Freya is a jar of sunshine, depression for me is that brightness' antithesis. The anti-light. Not just darkness, but the promise that light never existed. Dark is the absence of light, this is the knowledge that light doesn't exist, or that if it does, it is not for you.

There's a prequel to this story I must save for another day, but for now we must begin at the first chapter. Origin stories to follow, for now, think Spiderman... I was bitten by a radioactive depressed person.

My first black dog arrived during VCE (the final two years of high school in Victoria where I grew up). I had come down with glandular fever, then followed that with shingles, I broke and rebroke a rib and was trying to play tuba without airflow.

Then, light stopped existing. A black dog began to follow me through the halls at school. He watched me playing lacrosse. He was the last thought at night and the first thought in the morning. A pervasive worthlessness, even if there was good in this world, it wasn't for me. It never had been.

High school can be hard at the best of times, these weren't those best times.

I am extremely lucky. The start of this story may not have made that clear, but I am extremely lucky.

My mother was a doctor, and from day the first, I had support. My brothers were amazing, they didn't need to know what was going on, they were there for me. Mumma bear (the doctor) got me to see another GP and get a mental healthcare plan. She knew of a psychologist who she felt would be ideal. This psychologist didn't see children (I was 17 at this point) but Mumma bear told him that I've been a grumpy old man since before my time, he agreed to see me.

That psychologist saved my life and I will be grateful for that till the end of my days.

The prequel will include the other dozen or so psychs I had seen who were less marvellous.

I made it through high school, just.

I remember at the time, my youngest brother asked me, "how can someone so smart have scored so poorly?" Years later when he was in year twelve he asked me, "how could someone so depressed have made it through?". There's a lesson about perspective and time there.

That first black dog has been with me ever since. Sometimes it's a vicious beast, other times it's just the small growl of an animal out of sight, letting me know what could be coming.

In 2013, and again in 2022 the black dog returned with a vengeance.

Both times, I sought medical assistance, and between the team of my family, a psych and my doctor, I survived.

I will revisit those times in future journal entries. For now though, I will leave you with links to resources, and pictures of Freya.

These are all Australian based, please find services available in your area if you are ever in need. There is always help out there.

Service	Focus	Phone number	Operating hours
Emergency	Emergency assistance	000	24 hours/7 days
NURSE-ON-CALL	Expert health advice from a nurse	1300 60 60 24	24 hours/7 days
VAHI mental health services directory	For people seeking a specialist mental health response that will identify the urgency and nature of response required	Phone numbers are available in each area	24 hours/7 days
Beyond Blue	Depression, anxiety and related disorders	1300 22 4636	24 hours/7 days
Lifeline	Crisis support, suicide prevention and mental health support services	13 11 14	24 hours/7 days
SANE	People affected by complex mental health issues	1800 187 263	Mon – Fri 10am – 8pm
ARAFMI Carer Helpline	Carers and families of people affected by mental illness	1300 554 660	24 hours/7 days